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Last thoughts posted Dec-22-2008 The past few days have been a hodge-podge of the best things that can happen in my life given the recent situation I have put myself in. So forgive me if I end up jumping from one thought to another like a hummingbird in a field of flowers; it's such a hassle dealing with a torrent of thoughts and emotions while having to figure out exactly how to deal with them and deciding which one I should permanently incarn with words. The final mark is at day 54 of no alcohol. Days before day 54, I was honestly worried it would be the last. The prospect of more than fifty people who knew I was a big drinker were at the same Christmas party as I was seemed like too much for me to hold the fort on "no alcohol." But on the night itself (I wasn't even wearing my red ribbon), my resolve was firm: I could have fun without drinking. And I would've. However, things took a turn for the worse as circumstances beyond my control tested my patience: equipment failure is not something I'm really fond of experiencing when I'm doing a presentation. But the missing file was the one that pushed me over the edge. I was supposed to have fun without alcohol. At the same time, the presentation was supposed to be fun. Seeing as it wasn't, I suddenly lost my bearing. Red ribbon-less, I found myself a mindless zombie slithering to the bar and grabbing the nearest, unopened, cold can of beer. And the liquid gold just took all the bad vibes away. And the night was fun again. More than I anticipated, actually, as I ended up getting more than I bargained for. God, she smelled good... The next day, I was already tired. Happy, yes, but extremely tired. Coming from a party then resuming OT work can suck the energy out of everyone. Until, of course, one is provided with the prospect of Christmas traffic, and the opportunity to ask a few colleagues out for a drink. Two turned into four, four into six. Before I knew it, my boss asked us if we wanted to join them for dinner. Who am I to turn down such a generous invitation? Besides, I had no intention of drinking during the dinner itself; we would have started drinking elsewhere afterwards. But a bucket of beer even before the dinner plates could arrive does wonders in messing up my intentions. Who am I to turn down such now that "Project: No Alcohol" has come to an abrupt end? Dinner was served; the alcohol was drunk. Yet, we would still continue drinking elsewhere afterwards; after all, it was an opportunity to bond with colleagues. It was much too fun to even consider I was turning back into a "supposed alcoholic." The next day would prove no different. Honestly speaking, I was ready to "compromise" and set a few cheat days a month, instead of the usual seven cheat days in a week. But a friend (two, actually) needed a friend. Who am I to say I can't be one? We started at a convenience store but before I knew it, the alcohol was "downed" and we were in a bar somewhere. Meeting new friends and having a good time, why should I think about not drinking? It's fun to watch people wonder how the heck I gave up drinking, but really it's much more fun to lead the pack and watch those who don't know their limits fall one by one. At the end of it all, did I regret giving into the tease that is the cold can of beer on the 54th night? Regret implies I knew something was a better decision and I didn't do it. To stay at home and not bond with friends isn't a bad decision, but it isn't necessarily good, either. To be at a bar and not drink yet inhale all that smoke anyway could be argued both ways. I don't believe drinking is an inherent evil. The effects of it, on the other hand, are what causes evil. Drunk people provoke fights. Drunk drivers cause accidents. Too much alcohol damages the body. But if you know your limits, then what is evil is allowing yourself to go beyond those limits. After all, alcohol does have a few good effects. Do I regret giving up what could be today's day 58? No. Because I've proven my point. All those nights of drinking milk instead of that ice cold beer, of hanging out in clubs and ordering apple juice or clear soda, of putting the thought of drinking at the back-burner of my mind, it all amounts to the undeniable fact that I am not alcoholic: I never was and I never will be. And that was what no alcohol aimed to prove. And yet, the thought of not drinking tonight excites me more than the prospect of drinking. No alcohol might be a bigger success than I can comprehend right now. |
