And in evasion of the stagnant truth
Forcing out light from the horizon
Denying sisyphism when you’re infinitely tired
Making sense through self-equivocation

Rely on the pain, reflect on how vain
It is to trust your anserine heart
For not only once has it led you astray
Not only once has it torn you apart

No more excuses, you’ve returned to the night
Where innocence is fucking made
Onward, beyond and no holding back
Time once again to lead the parade

I feel like a balloon with not enough air
Unable to lift up even one strand of hair
But a weak gust of wind
All weakness I rescind
While knowing my knees will be skinned

I feel like a balloon with not enough strength
To stay at this height; to drift at length
When the gust has disappeared
Falling slowly as I feared
I settle near the floor, unvolunteered

I feel like a balloon with nothing but time
To rise and fall; to forever sublime
Your greatness overpowering
I find myself stinging
From the pain of desire and unwanting

Upon installing it over the weekend on a new computer I assembled, the initial log in screen didn’t seem to have much difference over the previous version. In fact, the only thing I noticed was out of place was the addition of a drop-down to choose your preferred language.

And since it’s not really going to translate the language of your chat messages, I found it quite useless, especially since I’ve been using YM for quite some time and I can even configure its settings with my eyes closed – not that the average user has to change any of the default settings.

After choosing my preferred skin (mystic black, in case you’re interested), a few other kinks came up. As I don’t really group my YM contacts and show only who’s online, the sudden appearance of the address book and two entries that I never realized I typed in before was a bit of a nuisance.

After deleting those entries and hiding other “useless” stuff like the plugins or the search bar, I found it wasn’t possible (at least not with the built-in “configurator”) to hide the Y! Updates tab. As a minimalist, this came as another irritating feature.

So I checked out what was in Y! Updates and, lo and behold, I thought I was looking at a Facebook news feed! Now, I know that microblogging was virtually started by YM with the ability to put up a status. And seeing it incorporate a feature that’s already being used by a huge percentage of the most popular social networks was quite interesting. Not my cup of tea, but still.

This got me to searching what other advantages YM10 had over YM9. With none of the others initially noticeable, I turned to good ol’ Google for knowledge. As it turns out, there’s also a new way to arrange your contacts based on availability and recent activity.

But overall, aside from the heavily-marketed “support for high quality video calls,” I don’t see any immediate reason why I should waste a few minutes updating the computers I’m handling from YM9. If it was a new PC, then maybe. But at the end of the day, there wasn’t a significant feature that grabbed my attention the way YM9 beta’s new additions (YouTube player, ’nuff said) enticed me to abandon YM8.

My verdict: get it if you can spare it. Otherwise, you aren’t missing out on anything. Or at least not with version 10.0.0.1102.

There is that supposedly insensitive Filipina from Dubai who wrote “buti n lng am hir in dubai! maybe so many sinners back der! so yeah deserving what happened!” which literally adds insult to the “injury” suffered by the flood victims and their loved ones. Along with her are two other inconsiderate assholes young men who had the wrong choice of words at the worst of times.

There is also that Korean girl who (also supposedly) made multiple tweets regarding the floods, using words like “third world country,” “filipino monkeys” and “die in floods.”

Hopefully last, of course, is the photo/video that (again supposedly) features presidential son Mikey Arroyo buying liquor in the midst of the heavy rains and rescue-and-relief efforts.

Now, I’m not one to judge quickly regarding these matters. In fact, posts on my Facebook news feed which featured these “celebrities” were left unclicked and unexplored because I for one believe that such, at a time like this, deserves not a single ounce of attention.

Be that as it may, with the skies clearing and hope slowly but surely being restored by the very dedicated and passionate volunteers, I find myself having a few minutes to spare to click on Mikey Arroyo’s lash out response at the Daily Tribune – the gist of which is that he was at the palace during the crisis trying to mobilize rescue and relief operations.

His bottom line calls for the Internet to be regulated, which I think is madness. Yeah, I said it. You don’t prevent someone from saying ill things about you, but you can take them to court when they do, most especially if it’s not true. And this option is still open for offended parties to pursue.

At the end of the day, the Internet is still just truth or gossip made easier to access and disseminate. And the decision to believe either still rests with the users themselves, as is the same with ordinary hearsay, “chismis” and “mga kwentong barbero.”

Sure, there have been a lot of cases where reputations have been damaged by an angry blogger, a media uploader, or a common troll. But if the offended party has exercised responsible use of the Internet (and responsible, non-Internet behavior as well), then issues like these can be prevented. There would be no scandals uploaded if there was no scandal in the first place; no identity theft (or at least minimizing it) if you keep a private social network; nothing to criticize in your actions during a catastrophe.

Don’t put the blame on other people if you lacked enough initiative to be a responsible person, in the Intarnets or otherwise. For even if people put ill-things about you in their blogs, if your behavior demonstrates otherwise, people can and will come to your defense.

The damage may have been done. But then again, if you’re “worthy” enough to have your reputation damaged in the Internet, you’re worthy enough to be gossiped about offline without you even knowing. At least in the Internet, you become aware of what’s being said. And so will the people who can rush to your side and defend you.

Title: Love drunk

Ey I’m feeling kinda weird now
Let me drop this thing
‘Cause my heart’s beating fast

I know this night’s endin’
So before I start dreamin’
Where my heart and mind are wishin’
That it’s you that I’ll be seein’
Makes me wanna keep from wakin’
‘Cause I know my heart be cryin’
Like a crazy fool in love
With an angel from above

It’s a crazy situation
To be giving this rendition
Of the super strong emotion
That I can’t be in admission of
‘Cause I know things will change
And when they do
I don’t know if I can handle
If I’m gonna lose you

Don’t wake me up from this dream if I’m dreamin’
Don’t make me fall asleep if I ain’t sleepin’
Don’t pull me up if right now I’m down low
Don’t hold me back if I’m ready to go

So baby girl you don’t know what I be feeling
Every night I find myself going crazy over something
Like the way you blink your eyes or the way you curve your lips
Like the way you say your words or the way you move your hips
Every time I think about you my head’s goin’ insane
But try as I might it’s something I really cannot explain
Why you here, whatcha doin’, why you stayin’ in my brain
But all these damn questions I’m just askin’ in vain

‘Cause I know there’s just something you really cannot define
How will you define something that’s absolutely divine
I’m confused, maybe it’s the wine, but I can walk a straight line
What’s goin’ on in this crazy heart of mine

Don’t wake me up from this dream if I’m dreamin’
Don’t make me fall asleep if I ain’t sleepin’
Don’t pull me up if right now I’m down low
Don’t hold me back if I’m ready to go

Right now everything is coming into focus
Don’t worry nothin’ ’bout what I said was bogus
Everything that came out of this mouth was nothing but the truth
No fibs, no jibs, pure and innocent like youth

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t being immature
I hate a broken heart I’m just trying to reassure you
I ain’t sayin’ this just to get into your tight jeans
And if you let me I can show you what real love means

Don’t wake me up from this dream if I’m dreamin’
Don’t make me fall asleep if I ain’t sleepin’
Don’t pull me up if right now I’m down low
Don’t hold me back if I’m ready to go

Then there’s this friend who uses a USB mouse (China-made, “Sony” brand). Short cord, though. And has lights. I hated both.

And since it didn’t make sense to use one for a computer that has a PS/2 port, I had what I thought was a stroke of genius: rewire the damn thing without my friend knowing. Except maybe the fact that his cord miraculously grew longer.

In five minutes, I was done. I would’ve been done sooner if it didn’t take me two minutes to find the damn cutter. Anyway, the transplant worked like a charm.

Now that I had USB cord, I could then re-engineer my PS/2 mouse as a USB mouse, just as I had turned the USB mouse into a PS/2 one.

Status: failed. As it turns out, most PS/2 mice do not have a dual-mode controller that allows the USB type to function like a PS/2 type via a passive adapter (or a rewiring, as in my case).

I probably should’ve just asked my friend to trade mice with me. If only I had a better excuse to not waste 10 minutes.

I was in a car crash last night.

And you know how they say at that moment when you think you’re going to die, your whole life flashes before you? That didn’t happen to me; or at least, it wasn’t my life that flashed before my eyes.

I didn’t see my past and how I would have wanted to change things, or the things I’ve never done or were too scared to take the risk for; I didn’t see the future and think what things I’ve been putting off that I may never be able to do; I didn’t see the present and how these are the things I’ll miss if I don’t make it out of this alive.

What I saw were my responsibilities…and who’ll be there to take over for them. What I saw was everything that wasn’t directly about me.

And at that moment I realized: I wasn’t put here on earth to succeed and someday fulfill my own desires. My purpose was to be, in the words of my alma mater, a “man for others;” to succeed and fulfill the other person’s wishes.

And the sooner I accepted my fate, the sooner all these heartaches and frustrations may end.

***

I don’t go out on a weekday.

With all the bad decisions I’ve made in my life, none of which I regret, this could have been the most significant principle I should’ve stuck with.

There were a lot of reasons why I rationalized the “good” that would come out of going out on a weekday. But at the end of it all, none were actually good enough to justify why going out on a weekday is a good idea.

And as I make another life-changing decision that would significantly alter the lives of those around me, let me just enumerate the various reasons (and the persons involved) that made me decide to go out, before I fully abandon the situation and the implications of such.

***

To you who kept saying going out at night may cause me to end up in this situation:

Part of the reason why I went out was to keep proving you wrong, that I can always make it back home in one piece. And although I’m proven wrong right now, the most frustrating part is that I’m not even drunk nor was I falling asleep while driving. I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. But no amount of reasoning can prove you wrong now; because you’re already right. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I should’ve listened.”

To you who invited me to go out:

Part of the reason why I went out was to nurture our friendship, because the kind of satisfaction I get from communicating with you on a purely platonic level makes me miss the kind of intimacy one can only get from very few friends. It is with you with whom I can act immature and yet think mature at the same time, just because we can. We don’t take our days very seriously because that’s where the fun lies, and yet everything else that needs our utmost attention, those life-defining decisions we make, it’s where this facade of insincerity falls away and makes us put our best foot forward, just because we know we need to. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I could’ve gone out another night.”

To you who was a big part of my past:

Part of the reason why I went out was to prove to myself that the past stays in the past, and there was no longer any form of strange and awkward feelings between us. With majority of people obviously thinking I have not yet moved on from such a storied era comprising a huge part of our pre-adult lives, it remained a challenge to seem to have made amends about certain things. And although I was fully aware of what emotions could be stirred deep inside me should there be any such emotion left, it was a question even I wanted to know the answer to. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I was right.”

To you who already is a big part of my present:

Part of the reason why I went out was so I can gather enough courage to ask you the real thing that’s been bothering me for quite some time now. It’s not that I’m demanding anything from you—God knows I know I have no such right—but I would like some clarity on what the quasi-romantic, pseudo-relationship that transpired even for the shortest of the short time we spent was. Because for some strange reason, your memory refuses to vacate the inner recesses of my mind; unconsciously doing what I consciously want yet consciously avoid, finding myself in an upsetting situation of no one’s fault but mine, I guess. You got me feeling this kind of emotion which I’ve successfully suppressed for years so I can avoid the painful repercussions of falling and getting hurt. But whatever this is I’m feeling, the answers I seek no longer mean anything given the implications of my actions. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I guess I’ll never know.”

***

After all this, I realized there really was no room for my inclinations.

And that chapter of my life where I kept thinking there will be better days for me, myself and I in the very near future, that’s coming to a close. I need to realize that pipe dreams are just that, dreams that I keep waking up from into a reality that has such a firm grip on my soul.

And this reality is calling for me to abandon the kind of life I want myself to be living even if for just right now, in this moment. I find myself left with no choice but to have no choice in the matter.

This chapter is closing, and I have never embarked on a new journey in my life more depressed than I currently feel.

But given this, I still find myself wondering. To quote from The Wedding Singer, “All I really want is for someone to hold me…and tell me everything is going to be all right.”

At least, that is, before I almost (or not) die again. And I bid you goodbye for now.

A cruel world giving such choices
But in the end, stifling our voices

It’s either hurt or the painful pain
And either choice makes you go insane

The bitter pill is we can really choose
But with blinded hearts, logic we lose

It makes me wonder what good is a heart
When most of the time it tears us apart

We love: we’re happy, it brings us elation
We’re hurt: it bring us extreme depression

But how do you deal with loving and hurting
When both are happening, both you’re feeling

Elated? Depressed? Which one do you feel?
Or which do you mask? Which one is real?

The real problem is we can choose to be happy
But our crazy hearts make us choose the contrary

I guess that’s what you call a love that’s true
I just don’t know if the other knows it, too

‘Cause I can’t do the same; what I’d rather do?
I’d rather break myself so I can unbreak you…

***

I seldom hate things or events. And I rarely hate people. Hate is such a strong, negative emotion that, sadly, has no space in my disposition. As I’ve said and continue to say, negative feelings don’t suit me because I can’t risk being affected; I can’t risk having my life derailed even for a few moments because I have a lot of responsibilities that would have serious repercussions in my life and in the life of others should I fail to keep them.

But there is one thing good about hate: the passion for hating something or someone.

Yes, hating is bad; no question about that. But sometimes, we need to feel that kind of strong passion for something that shakes our routinary lives to the very core.

And the passion in hating is so great because it has no limits: when you absolutely hate something or someone, the things you imagine unleash your inner creativity to make that thing or person experience the incredible hate that you feel towards it/him/her.

Following through with this hate is another issue altogether. But my point is sometimes, the thing we see as bad may actually be beneficial to our lives because it forces us to think, act and feel beyond what we normally would.

***

Right now, I’m not hating anybody. In fact, I haven’t hated anyone for quite some time now. And I don’t intend on doing so because I don’t see the point in harboring ill feelings toward anyone.

Maybe that’s what’s wrong. Maybe I need to be rocked to my very core. Maybe, just maybe, I need to feel that kind of utmost passion that’s far beyond my passion for loving so that I can think, act and feel more than I already do.

***

But that is what’s so frustrating. Even if I try to stimulate those kinds of negative emotions, they just don’t manifest themselves long enough for me to act on it. Yes, there are certain, less negative feelings that I feel. But they are never enough for someone who feels so un-negative, so un-hateful towards somebody.

***

Had the current situation happened to me in the past with a different subject, and the subject continues to act that way, I would have been apathetic the moment she starts acting as such. Life offers us far too many opportunities that wasting them by caring for useless social (not to mention immature) trites is a disservice to one’s self.

And yet, I can’t explain why the logic of the past situations is lost to me. And that every moment I say I wouldn’t care about it anymore is a lie; because at the back of my mind, every time my phone rings, I keep on hoping it’s her.

And it’s got me in this very, very weird place where I suddenly find myself lost and disoriented; a place where my interest continues to focus itself on one subject alone.

That’s frustrating enough. But what’s even more frustrating is that I can’t hate it even if I try to. Because at the end of the day, what I feel about her is just so un-negative, so un-hateful that it got me acting over the top, only for the second time in my life.

It’s so frustrating but I can’t hate it.

“Exage!”

This was the initial reaction I got when a few friends found out about what I did recently. And from one end of the spectrum, I kinda get their point, that maybe it kinda didn’t make much sense that I did what I did; that maybe it was too much.

But the fact is, I wasn’t after what made sense. It wasn’t about doing something that creates practicality or efficiency.

It was about what lengths one could go to just because of how one feels.

Call it what you will: exaggerated, outrageous, over the top.

But that’s the miracle of it. There’s no point really in being over the top except the fact that you were satisfied by the excessive effort because it’s a manifestation of what you feel about it.

Would you tell the people behind the construction of the Eiffel Tower that their work is exaggerated? Would you have told Shah Jahan that building the Taj Mahal in memory of his wife was outrageous?

Would you tell those admiring the view of the Grand Canyon or of the Niagara Falls that the emotions they are experiencing are too much? That anything which results from those emotions are overrated?

Actions resulting from these emotions are uncontrollable, because if they are not done, one would forever be haunted by his choice. Then again, maybe not everyone feels this way about how I’m feeling. Maybe each of us has their own interpretations of their emotions and the corresponding actions accepted as the norm.

That’s because some people are happy with mediocrity, and it’s partly because the rewards they get for such actions are mediocre as well. But could I ever put a price on something as precious as her smile? On the fact that I’ve made her happy?

Could I honestly say that something ordinary, though it still brings a smile to her face, could ever be expressive of how I really feel?

I would never be satisfied by a mediocre effort on my part. You know why?

Because she doesn’t deserve the ordinary. People are content with doing only what is “required” because “satisfying the requirements” is all they ever care about.

But in this kind of emotion, the one I’m feeling, there are no requirements, no prerequisites. There’s only effort reflective of how I feel.

And how do I feel? I think she’s special, and she deserves only the exceptional.