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Last thoughts posted Apr-02-2009 Nothing poetic. Nothing dramatic. Nothing that aims to show hidden emotions I can’t express directly. I was in a car crash last night. And you know how they say at that moment when you think you’re going to die, your whole life flashes before you? That didn’t happen to me; or at least, it wasn’t my life that flashed before my eyes. I didn’t see my past and how I would have wanted to change things, or the things I’ve never done or were too scared to take the risk for; I didn’t see the future and think what things I’ve been putting off that I may never be able to do; I didn’t see the present and how these are the things I’ll miss if I don’t make it out of this alive. What I saw were my responsibilities...and who’ll be there to take over for them. What I saw was everything that wasn’t directly about me. And at that moment I realized: I wasn’t put here on earth to succeed and someday fulfill my own desires. My purpose was to be, in the words of my alma mater, a “man for others;” to succeed and fulfill the other person’s wishes. And the sooner I accepted my fate, the sooner all these heartaches and frustrations may end. I don’t go out on a weekday. With all the bad decisions I’ve made in my life, none of which I regret, this could have been the most significant principle I should’ve stuck with. There were a lot of reasons why I rationalized the “good” that would come out of going out on a weekday. But at the end of it all, none were actually good enough to justify why going out on a weekday is a good idea. And as I make another life-changing decision that would significantly alter the lives of those around me, let me just enumerate the various reasons (and the persons involved) that made me decide to go out, before I fully abandon the situation and the implications of such. To you who kept saying going out at night may cause me to end up in this situation: Part of the reason why I went out was to keep proving you wrong, that I can always make it back home in one piece. And although I’m proven wrong right now, the most frustrating part is that I’m not even drunk nor was I falling asleep while driving. I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. But no amount of reasoning can prove you wrong now; because you’re already right. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I should’ve listened.” To you who invited me to go out: Part of the reason why I went out was to nurture our friendship, because the kind of satisfaction I get from communicating with you on a purely platonic level makes me miss the kind of intimacy one can only get from very few friends. It is with you with whom I can act immature and yet think mature at the same time, just because we can. We don’t take our days very seriously because that’s where the fun lies, and yet everything else that needs our utmost attention, those life-defining decisions we make, it’s where this facade of insincerity falls away and makes us put our best foot forward, just because we know we need to. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I could’ve gone out another night.” To you who was a big part of my past: Part of the reason why I went out was to prove to myself that the past stays in the past, and there was no longer any form of strange and awkward feelings between us. With majority of people obviously thinking I have not yet moved on from such a storied era comprising a huge part of our pre-adult lives, it remained a challenge to seem to have made amends about certain things. And although I was fully aware of what emotions could be stirred deep inside me should there be any such emotion left, it was a question even I wanted to know the answer to. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I was right.” To you who already is a big part of my present: Part of the reason why I went out was so I can gather enough courage to ask you the real thing that’s been bothering me for quite some time now. It’s not that I’m demanding anything from you—God knows I know I have no such right—but I would like some clarity on what the quasi-romantic, pseudo-relationship that transpired even for the shortest of the short time we spent was. Because for some strange reason, your memory refuses to vacate the inner recesses of my mind; unconsciously doing what I consciously want yet consciously avoid, finding myself in an upsetting situation of no one’s fault but mine, I guess. You got me feeling this kind of emotion which I’ve successfully suppressed for years so I can avoid the painful repercussions of falling and getting hurt. But whatever this is I’m feeling, the answers I seek no longer mean anything given the implications of my actions. And it’s one of those moments when I realize: “Damn, I guess I’ll never know.” After all this, I realized there really was no room for my inclinations. And that chapter of my life where I kept thinking there will be better days for me, myself and I in the very near future, that’s coming to a close. I need to realize that pipe dreams are just that, dreams that I keep waking up from into a reality that has such a firm grip on my soul. And this reality is calling for me to abandon the kind of life I want myself to be living even if for just right now, in this moment. I find myself left with no choice but to have no choice in the matter. This chapter is closing, and I have never embarked on a new journey in my life more depressed than I currently feel. But given this, I still find myself wondering. To quote from The Wedding Singer, “All I really want is for someone to hold me...and tell me everything is going to be all right.” At least, that is, before I almost (or not) die again. And I bid you goodbye for now. |
